Gramma T's Funeral
Funeral Service for Tamara Friedman
Service conducted by Rabbi Herman Shulman
Weinstein Brothers
Wilmette, Illinois
5 December 1996
Rabbi Shulman:
I will lift up mine eyes unto the mountains. Whence shall my help come? My help cometh from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not suffer thy foot to be moved. He doth keepeth thee will not slumber. Behold, he doth keepeth Israel, doth neither slumber nor sleep.
The Lord is thy keeper. The Lord is thy shade upon thy right hand. The sun shall not smite thee by day nor the moon by night. The Lord shall keep thee from all evil. He shall keep thy soul. The Lord shall guard thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth and forever.
[Hebrew]
Lord, what are we that you take knowledge of us, that you make account of us? We are like a vanity. Our days are shadow passes away. In the morning we flourish, we grow up. In the evening, we are cut down and wither. You turn us to contrition. You say return. Oh, that we were wise, that we would consider our lot our end. For when we die, we carry nothing away. Our glory does not descend after us.
So mark this unforgettable woman. Behold the upright. Her end now is peace. The Lord redeems the souls of his servants and none of them that trust in him shall be forsaken.
The Lord is my shepherd. I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures. He leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul. He guideth me in straight paths for his namesake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil for though art with me. Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies. Thou has anointed my head with oil. My cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord forever.
Our God, God of our ancestors, at this hour of grief we turn in prayer unto thee, the all-merciful and all-wise guardian of our destinies. Thou art our loving God. In the fullness of thy kindness does thou lead us in the paths of life. The light of thy goodness ever illumines our steps. Even when we are in the valley of the shadow of death we feel thy presence. We see thy hand in all that comes over us and reverently submit to thy decrees. Thou who hast made us knowest what is best for us. As we are grateful unto thee for the bounties of life, even so do we thank thee for the evening calm of death, which comes after the long life and spreads its wings over the weary. But even when the cup of sorrow has passed our lips, we know that thou dost not punish us in this painful hour of parting with our cherished T Mary.
We praise thee, Oh God, for those many years which thou hast granted unto her in which she brought joy and comfort into many a heart. May strength and consolation come unto her sorrowing family and friends. Teach them thy ways that they may triumph over their grief and that chastened by the sorrow they may learn all the more tenderly to extend their affection and love to the dear ones whom thou has spared unto them. We praise thee whose love and kindness are endless.
It is now my privilege to call on members of the family who will speak both for themselves and for the family and they will speak in the following order: her daughter, Furn Wolach; grandchildren, Scott Lerman, Steve Friedman, Nancy Bank, and Keith Walner.
Furn: That was her favorite psalm.
Rabbi: It is a beautiful one.
Furn: Yes.
Furn:
This is the month where we all give presents and Mom loved to give presents and I think all of you in the family, the children, the grandchildren remember a $20 bill in a pocket, a purse, a bureau drawer that you weren't quite sure where it came from. That was a little present from Gramma T.
Gloria and I can remember about the toys she made for us, the tables she painted lavender with dolls on them and the red wagon with Ron's name and Bob's on it. And the fur muff with a bottle of perfume in the pocket with black fur muff.
But the presents, the best presents she gave us were each other. And that we will always have.
I think you all know how much she enjoyed the pictures of the children that you all set so often, lined up on the table. Preston Jones can tell you they had to be in order, so that when I walked in the house I would see the latest ones first and all the cards, and all the cards.
Mom had a tremendous amount of courage, I think you know. She was very strong and she wanted us to be very strong. But she did things, she made me do things that I wasn't quite prepared to do, like going on the scary rides at Disneyland. [laughter] But I couldn't say no. I couldn't say no.
What can I say? We weren't perfect. There was a little bit of mischief here and there. Ron broke some windows. Gloria forgot her galoshes, you know, little things like that. But for the most part, we were trusted and so we didn't do things that would make Mom or Dad be ashamed.
Dad ran the business, he solved the problems of the world, but Mom solved our problems. I remember Sally telling me when her children were little how she would call Gramma T because the kids were sick and Gramma would tell her how to make them better. That was a long time ago, but Sally didn't forget it.
She loved them all, all the children, the little ones who would call, "Hi, Gramma T!" From Andy all the way down to Baby Joey and Alexandra, who are just a year old now. Big family.
And, she would call me. I live in California, as you know. "Did you take a walk today? Did you take your vitamins? Are you cooking food that's good for Ben? [laughter] Remember, he has to build up his blood." And so we would take long walks in the desert. She loved the pansies and the wildflowers and the mountains with the snow on the top, you know, that looked like sugar. And every day she would take her walk with Preston, who was one of the best friends this family ever had.
And I have to mention Preston because he swears he started working for the family at 21, but I think he was only 18. [laughter] He's kind of close to 70 now, but he won't admit it.
Well, there has been a lot of parties this year, a lot of good things. Weddings--three, I think. Two Bar Mitzvahs, a Bat Mitzvah. But I remember best the Halloween parties, because Gloria and Bob's birthdays were close to Halloween and all the neighborhood kids would come every year and they were great parties.
We all expected Mom to be with us forever. We weren't ready for her to go. But I don't really think we will ever let her go. We have so many stories to tell and I can't remember them all. My cousins here, Lois and Marcia, all the grandchildren. Joy is here. They all have great stories, all the old friends. And we'll compare those stories forever and we will tell them to the children.
So, I'll say goodnight to Mom and hope she sleeps softly and please remember, Mom, we love you. We love you forever. Thank you.
[someone (Ben?): that was beautiful]
Scott:
My Gramma T was not like most grandmothers I knew. She didn't cook or sew or bake cakes. She loved to be outside. She loved to walk. She could outdistance any of us. My first memory of Gramma is at the Dawes School playground. I was 5 or 6. I remember Gramma T hanging from the horizontal bar, teaching me how to do chin-ups. [laughter]
Gramma T was always interested in anything I was interested in. I got my first motorcycle. My parents were not thrilled. I rode it over to show Gramma. She got on the back and went for a ride. [laughter] I showed up at Gramma's house in Palm Springs when I was hitchhiking around the country. So, we went in, we planned the rest of my trip. She insisted on my stops in Los Angeles and Arizona to see Aunt Furn and Aunt Lolita, which, of course, I did.
If I am asked about my family, I say I am the fourth oldest of 28 grandchildren. I am proud to be near the top of that list. Gramma knew everything about all of her grandchildren. I would stop at her apartment at the El Lago, get the update on all my cousins. Gramma was in constant contact with all of us. Now, there's 7 children, 28 grandchildren, with the wives and the great- grandchildren, it is 87. I could be wrong by one or two. Everybody got a letter on their birthday. We got a letter on Valentine's Day and we got a letter on Chanukah. Now, when you got married, you got a letter on your anniversary. When you had children, you got a Father's Day or a Mother's Day letter. So, I actually counted them, it is about 400 letters. Now, that doesn't count any letters that she would write to you if you wrote her.
Gramma had a way to make me feel like I was the most special person on Earth. In talking to Candy, Brad, Andy, and Steve, and some other cousins yesterday at lunch, I was surprised to find out that they didn't know I was Gramma's favorite. [much laughter] They all thought they were.
I am the luckiest in the world to have had you as my Gramma and have had Sally, Alex, Jake, and Alana to get to know you. I love you.
Steve:
I have many wonderful memories of Gramma T. She and Grampa would often visit our house in Northbrook when I was a child. One memory that stands out is when I was about 10 years old and Gramma asked my brother Jim and me if we wanted to go shopping with her at Deerbrook Mall. We said, "Sure, Gramma!" and went out to the car. Well, we weren't taking the car. [laughter] Gramma didn't drive and never did. She liked to walk and we were walking to the mall. Jim and I said, "But, Gramma, the mall is miles away, we always go in the car." Gramma said, "Come on, walking is good for you." And off we went on the longest walk of my life. [laughter]
In later years, when I was at college in Los Angeles, I used to visit Gramma and Grampa on weekends in Palm Springs. I didn't actually stay at her house, but she always got a room for me across the street and the hotel where Preston stayed. We would have lunch and read by the pool and talk for hours at a time. These were some of the nicest memories of my college years.
Gramma would always make sure I was getting some studying in during those weekends. And when she would go to the grocery store, on foot of course, she wouldn't let me or Grampa go with her. I was to study and Grampa was to read his mail while Gramma did the shopping. I realized later that she wanted to walk to the store alone mainly because Grampa and I couldn't keep up with her fast walking pace. I remember one time walking with them [that] Gramma turned to grandfather and said, "Izzy, speed up, you're shuffling your feet! You look like a 90- year-old man!" Of course, my grandfather was only 88 at the time. [laughter]
As Scott said, Gramma was a prolific letter writer and included a check in each card for her grandchildren for their birthdays and for Chanukah. In recent years, I personally derived great pleasure in calling my cousins and my brothers and sister during Chanukah and making them crazy by claiming that my check was for two or three or ten times the actual amount. In truth, Gramma was always fair and everyone got the same amount. The real value of the cards, though, were in the cheerful and loving wishes she expressed for us and her signature closing, "Hugs and Kisses, Grams."
My wife Suzie has only known Gramma for about two years. I want to thank Gramma for spending time with Suzie and always making her feel part of the family. Of course, in order to communicate with Gramma, Suzie had to learn to speak very loudly. After meeting Suzie for the first time, Gramma said to my mother, "She seems very nice but I can't hear her. She must be too refined to yell loud enough." Well, Suzie soon learned to yell.
When I was reading Gramma's obituary and came to the part about her good friend Preston Jones, I couldn't hold back the tears. Indeed, Preston, you deserve top billing as an important part of Gramma's life. Although you are not one of her natural children, you became an adopted son, and I have always thought of you as part of the family. You were always at our house when I was a child. You took my brother and me to lunch every Sunday. You taught me to tie my shoes. Your loving care of Gramma in her later years surely extended and enriched her life.
On Gramma's last day in the hospital, I was beginning to see that she didn't have much time left. Debbie Lerman and I were there along with Uncle Lester. I was trying to convince myself not to be so sad. That she was 98 years old and had led a very full life. Debbie turned to me and said, "You know why we feel so sad. It's because Gramma at 98 is not ready to die." She was still sharp, if not quite as active as when she was much younger. My grandmother even until her last days always knew everything that was going on around her. She was telling the nurses and her family what the doctor said she could and couldn't do. She was still keeping me and Suzie on what was going on with the family. She remained a vibrant and active woman right up until the end. For this reason, we cannot comfort ourselves by believing that because of her years it was a blessing that she died peacefully. The comfort we can find is in the many fond memories we all have of the way she touched our lives.
Nancy:
Gramma T was our hub, the center of our family solar system. We revolved around her and she blessed us. We are such a lucky family because Gramma T treasured us. In her life, she set an example for us to follow as we continue to live our lives.
Gramma T treasured us in so many ways. Those of you who have visited Gramma on Sheridan Road or in Palm Springs know that her homes were shrines to all of us. She lined every available space with rows of photographs of us, of cards from us, of letters from us.
Many years ago, my mom made Gramma T a silk scarf and she had sewn everybody's name on the scarf and as people would marry and have children she would add spouses and great- grandchildren. And every time she came to mother's house, she would wear this scarf, for years up until this past year. And perhaps she wore it to be a gracious recipient, but I think much more than that, she wore it because she truly cherished what that scarf represented. It represented us.
I am speaking on behalf of my sisters, Cindy, Stacy, and Erica, and my brother Bill. And as we were remembering Gramma the other night, my husband Doug marveled at Gramma's ability to remember everyone's birthday and anniversary and graduation and all occasions in all of our extended families. And Erica added that she didn't just remember the occasion and she didn't just recognize it with a beautiful card and a generous check, but she put in a separate handwritten letter which was informative and touching and full of words of wisdom and advice. And for all of this we were so lucky.
Some of you may not know this about Gramma, but she loved the new mommies. After the birth of my boys, Gramma called me every day, sometimes twice a day. She wanted to know how I was recovering, and how the breast-feeding was going, and how was the baby sleeping. And when the boys were infants and toddlers, she would give me advice on diaper rash and sleeping through the night, and she was a great source of reassurance on parenting.
Stacy and Erica regret that Gramma won't know their children and I regret that they will miss the wisdom, the maternal wisdom that Gramma shared. So, to my sisters and cousins, when you have children, I promise to share with you the words that Gramma shared with me, her ideas and her wisdom about motherhood.
Gramma never stopped cherishing us. Erica noticed that in the last few weeks in the hospital she would hold each person's hand and whisper "I love you" to each of us as we visited. She was somehow sensing that she was saying goodbye and wishing us well.
Gramma lived her life in a way that is an example for us to follow as we live our lives. As I reflect on Gramma's life, I realize that she really understood her values and priorities and lived every day of her life consistent with those values. Her number one priority was family. It was important for her to spend her weekends and especially holidays with family. She embraced each one of us as individuals and we are quite a group of individuals. While she would share her opinion, she never judged us. She recognized each of our strengths and she accepted our weaknesses. When I got married, my grandmother wrote a note to Doug and me about priorities. She warned us to never let work become more important than family.
She kept us up to date with one another and she shared her stories with us. Just this past summer, Gramma told Cindy and Stacy and my mom the story of how she first met and fell in love with Grampa Izzy. Stacy and Cindy were amazed at the detail and the passion with which she shared an event from 80 years ago as though it were yesterday.
Another of Gramma's priorities was good health. As Cindy says, Gramma invented walking for health. And Stacy and Erica remember walks with Gramma like Steve where they simply could not keep up. Gramma valued religion and she made a place for that in her life. Stacy and Erica remember walking to temple on the High Holidays with Gramma every year and sitting in the first or second row. All of us Pochis kids remember going to holiday services with Gramma. Even after Gramma couldn't hear the rabbi, it was still very important to her to be there. My brother and sisters and I fondly recall our chaotic lunches with Gramma after temple on Rosh Hashanah as an integral part of our holiday rituals.
Cindy says, "Gramma T lives on. I see her in my mother, my aunts, my cousins, myself. We are all her. We are all even late." [laughter] Cindy's daughters, Natalie and Elise, call their Gramma Marlene "Mrs. Clean" and we all know where Marlene gets that.
Gramma gave us an enormous gift--each other--a great big loving family filled with individuals who care deeply about one another. And although in the past it was Gramma who kept this family together, we owe it to her to continue that closeness.
On behalf of my sisters and brother, I ask our first cousins and our second cousins and my aunts and uncles to make a promise. Let's promise to stay as close as we are today to perpetuate Gramma T's legacy of love, of acceptance, of belonging, and of togetherness.
Keith:
Indeed, Gramma T was strong. She made it 98 years. And I think she did this, she had a lot of balance in her life. She worked very hard raising a huge family and taking care of her husband. She exercised and then she would relax. She exercised vigorously, walking 20, 25 miles a day, and then she would rest. After she would eat a gigantic meal well, she never did eat a gigantic meal. [laughter] But with her salty crackers she always had her sweet apple juice.
Gramma taught me many lessons. She always taught me to tell it how it is. I would bring my girlfriends over to introduce Gramma and she would say, "Oh, Keith was such a smart kid. Not so much later on in life [laughter], but a very smart kid." Then she would tell me, "Oh, she's a very nice girl. Not so nice to look at, but a very nice girl."
And Gramma taught me, she taught me never to tattle. When I was with Gramma in Palm Springs I was 4 years old, I had built this great train I wanted to show Gramma, and I am pulling her along, and my hand slipped out and I hit my head on the table and we had to go to the hospital and get stitches. And she said, "Don't tell your mother; don't tell your mother." So, I learned never to tattle and never to get Gramma in trouble.
However, I did get Gramma in trouble about a year or two later. I was maybe 6 years old and she took me, Jon, and Dana for a walk in the mountains. We came down from the mountains. We were going back to the house we had rented and I said, "Gramma, it's this way." She said, "No, no, it's this way." I said, "No, Gramma. It's this way." She said, "Fine, you go that way. I'll go this way." [laughter] I went that way. Of course, I got lost and sat there crying and until some couple picked me up and took me to the police station and my parents found me that night. And, uh, sorry, Gramma, that was my fault.
Gramma--she was stubborn like that and we all know our Friedman parents and all of us got a little of that stubbornness, which made us all want to do things our way, made us individuals and unique. But more than her stubbornness, I think we remember her for her warm, sweet kindness. And I think Gramma on a day--today she wouldn't want us to be mourning a death but celebrating the life that she gave all of us and those around us, and hugs and kisses Grams and Gramps.
Rabbi:
One can only wish that one had a family like that. That one could be a grandmother or a grandfather like that. I admire and envy all of you because this goes beyond anything that I have heard in a long, long life as a rabbi.
So, what's left to say? But, first of all, very often her walks led right by temple. And since my study had a big window out onto Sheridan Road, it wasn't unusual for me to see her set out, usually in the morning on her way to downtown. And when I walked out to say hello to her the first time and asked her, "Where are you going, Mary?" and she told me she was on her way to downtown. I said, "Well, you know, the bus is right across the street." And she kind of looked at me quizzically. She always had that capacity to smile and there was a little mischief in her eyes sometimes, too. And she said, "Rabbi, I'm not taking the bus." I said, "You have a car waiting for you?" [laughter] "No, " she said, "Rabbi, look at my shoes." [laughter] And they were walking shoes. And I said, "You're not walking downtown, are you?" She said, "Yes, I do this every day." I said, "And then?" She says, "And then I walk back." [laughter]
To this day, if I didn't know Mary well enough to know that she would never tell me a lie, I wouldn't think that she could have done it. But, that's what happened as far as I can tell really, just about every day she was on Sheridan Road.
You talked about her being in temple on the holidays and particularly in view of her having left us now I will ever remember this last Rosh Hashanah when with a number of you you have to forgive me, I don't know exactly who was there because I really focused on Mary she broke through the line of shaking hands, and there she was --this tall--with this little bit of a small, nodding, putting out her hand. And, of course, I didn't know that that was the last such Rosh Hashanah. And if I live long enough to the next one I will be missing that greeting I am sure.
In thinking about Mary after our conversations yesterday, it was so clear to me again just what an absolutely extraordinary life this was. I think we are often--especially when we think about our dead and those for whom we cared and whom we loved, as unusual people, nobody usually is usual. But, there are no measurements that one ordinarily applies to Mary Friedman. The very fact she was married close to 70 years, 7 children, 28 grandchildren, 27 great-grandchildren. When I try to picture that in the form of a pyramid or whatever, it exceeds anything that I have ever known. And I daresay this is true of those of us who are not part of this clan. Because it is not really a family anymore. It is one of those semi-Biblical clans that bestrides and fills the Earth, of whom she was both the apex, but even more than that really, the center. I said yesterday she was like the glue that kept this assembly of human beings together.
And it is, of course, also true she was born in the 19th century and lived close to the end of the 20th. And if you just for a moment allow your own thoughts to sweep back over this stretch of time and think about what she lived through, what really revolutionary changes have come over life. I mean, the moon instead of being a hunk of cheese has now become a place where we find water in a deep crater and where we have landed. And look at the kinds of communications, at the speed with which we travel. The very fact that we are living in a global environment. I mean, when you just think that any one person lived from the time when the speed of a horse was probably as fast as you could or wanted to go, and look what we are doing now. Yes, I can understand that she would have mounted that motorcycle.
Some of you said it already in your own words, but I just want to reemphasize this is really not a day of mourning so much as of celebration. And when I have been sitting here weeping and I heard how you spoke it was really just out of the sheer joy that you all understood and cherished and portrayed her with such depth of truth and feeling and understanding. So, to all of us, I repeat what you yourselves know--stay together, remain that remarkable family that you are. Do it, yes, for her sake, but surely, mostly also for your own. Because I am certain that through her and your late father, grandfather, great-grandfather, you have all felt the sweetness of the ties that are woven between all of you. If ever it was true to say that Hebrew accolade which we bestow on the ones who deserve it, surely we can say out of the fullness of our hearts, [Hebrew]. This wonderful, just, loving, caring, great woman, a blessing while alive will remain a blessing now that she has gone.
Almighty God, who governest all things with infinite wisdom and mercy and who guides the destinies of us all, you love us and shower your blessings on us. Therefore, shall we not murmur even when sorrows befall us but in humility and with unfaltering trust accept thy decrees. In joy and in sorrow alike, we praise thy goodness, we acknowledge thy justice. We remember that we are but strangers upon Earth, like a shadow our life flees away. Help us, God, so to walk in your sight that when the few years of our earthly pilgrimage are ended we may be ready to meet our end with tranquil mind. We look to you for comfort and strength when one of our beloved is taken from us and that link broken in the chain of love, which bound us in family union. Though we walk in the valley of the shadow of death, we fear no evil, though art with us. So, we praise eternal, Our God, in all your dispensations, and sanctified be thy name forever and ever. Amen.
[Hebrew]
Lord of Mercy bring T Mary under the cover of thy wings, that her soul be bound in the bond of eternal life, be her possession, and may her repose now be peace. Amen.
Funeral director:
Upon the return from the cemetery today, the family will be sitting shiva through Friday at Ron and Pat Friedman's residence, which is located 128 Moffett Road in Lake Bluff. If you received a memorial folder, there are directions to the family's home. If you did not, you can receive one on the way out from the chapel.
Interment will take place at Westlawn Cemetery, located in Norridge. Approximate travel time from our chapel here is about 35 to 40 minutes in the procession. Those who are going in the procession, I would ask you please bring your cars around to the north edge of our parking lot, and we will proceed east on Old Glenview Road. While in the procession, please keep two safety features in mind. Please keep your bright lights on at all times and please try to stay as close to the car in front of you as safety permits.
The following people have been selected to act as pallbearers. When I call your name, you will please step forward to help escort the casket from the chapel:
Preston Jones, Ben Wolach, Lester Lerman, David Pochis, Pat Friedman, Harvey Walner, Gene Cook, and Pat Friedman.
At this time, all rise in silent prayer as we escort the casket from the chapel. Pallbearers, please? This does conclude the service here at the chapel. You may exit through the side doors to your left, please.
